Last year was a bit difficult for me. Had my share of ups and downs with things seeming down for longer.
In the midst of it all, my eyes opened to different things, the seemingly small things, the things we take for granted.
Things like asking "How are you?"
You see, I have a small but healthy circle of friends with whom I have a relatively constant communication with. I reach out to them and they reciprocate but that in itself isn't enough. It's cool hugging and giving high-fives to each other when you meet, diving straight into the gist you've been waiting to share and complimenting each other's outfits and complexion, but:
You must be deliberate about care.
You must be deliberate about the welfare of your loved ones and you must be intentional when you ask, how are you?
This question is sadly asked really loosely.
How many times have you asked how someone is, waited to hear the reply, and asked a follow up question or two?
I can count the number of times I heard someone ask me that last year. Sometimes in the different variations like "How far", "How you dey", etc, It just didn't feel genuine.
Asking how a person is implies you are concerned about their welfare and as such, when you ask, the tone of your voice, your body language must communicate that intent along with your words. In this time and era of mental health awareness, How are you is a powerful question that could unlock deep truths about a person's mental state.
It can help you know more about a friend or a stranger, it could spark healthy conversations and uninhibited confessions and even better, it can bring healing-if done right.
It was in the midst of my worries that I realized I just wanted to talk sometimes. When I met someone, all I heard was compliments, gists, how I must not be in Nigeria, questions about my skin care routine or something I considered mundane.
If I was in a great place, I wouldn't mind at all, but I wasn't. Then I stopped complaining and saw the lessons God probably wanted me to see.
How blessed I was!
I changed my focus from that of anger at the seeming lack of concern on people's part, to reading the implication and hidden meanings behind every conversation I engaged in. The result was calming.
Lesson 1: Everyone has their own worries
Just like I was, other people had something which was a source of worry to them. Sometimes, going out and meeting with friends is an escape. So they choose to focus on things that do not remind them of their issues. They'd rather laugh, say stupid things and even avoid asking about others for fear that it would remind them of the problems they left at home, the problems they are running away from. It's actually not always about me.
Lesson 2: A good family is the greatest Blessing
Yes, I didn't hear "how are you?" from friends and outsiders but I had a family that showed their care in words and in deed. I was too focused wondering why the question seemed to be a lost art that I almost took for granted the ones who loved me fully. The gift of a good family is one to be eternally grateful for.
Lesson 3: Not looking like what you go through is a blessing
An underrated one even. I'm not promoting putting on a facade, no. I'm saying, the fact that you can wear a smile in the midst of your troubles, can still put in effort into your appearance, afford one meal, laugh at jokes, not have a forlorn look, enjoy conversations with friends, it is a sign that like it or not, you are doing great. It could be worse but you're not worse off and that should not be taken for granted.
Lesson 4: Don't lose your Sunshine
I'm an empath. It's easy for me to care, to be concerned and of course to ask about a person's wellbeing and mean it. When I realized that unless I start wearing a sack of coal, it may not be clear that I had my own issues, I decided to release my warmth instead. I showed even more concern, got people to open up and it was beautiful. Apparently,most people thought I was always walking on sunshine that they didn't see the need to ask. Being a ray of light to others might just be the light you also need.
I eventually opened up to my close friends about my perceived distance and aloofness and how I've not been my best self. I have also been preaching about the importance of asking How are you to people around us. The result? Many people don't even realize that they don't. When I challenge them to give me their normal conversation pattern, they admit that even when they ask, they expect to hear fine. Many don't even know what they would do if they hear another answer. Someone confessed that his friend once said he wasn't fine and his reply was "My guy, you must be fine oh" while laughing.
I want to throw out this challenge to everyone reading. For every conversation you have, no matter who you are discussing with, ensure after the greetings and compliments you ask the question "How are you?" Ask again if they're fine before you move on. It really costs nothing to show concern.
As for me, presently, I've never been better.
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